Sarah Walker on Pain
by HlysComment
Summary: A conversation between Sarah and Chuck from Sarah's POV as Sarah hides a secret pain.


**This is my first Chuck fic. I hope that it appeals to the Chuck fanfiction audience and would really appreciate reviews to let me know what you all think. They are always, incredibly appreciated.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck. I'm just having fun and hope you will too.**

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"Well, I guess that takes care of that!" Chuck yelled enthusiastically. He turned to Casey and Sarah saw the slight movement of his hand. She recognized it. Chuck was suppressing the urge to offer their large partner a high five. The inclination and the necessary suppression had an immediate and extremely sobering effect on Chuck. He cleared his throat and his features became neutral.

"I mean," He said briskly. "Good job, Team. Good effort."

Casey offered one of his typical snarls in return and walked briskly away. However, Sarah also recognized the snarling grimace was a suppression technique. Casey used it to prevent himself from smiling at Chuck's more amusing antics.

Casey may think of himself as an impervious bad ass; a man in complete control of his emotions, but he was an amateur compared to her. She had been controlling her emotions her entire life: Suppressing anger, hatred, disgust, fear or, on the other side of the coin, expressing love, amusement, happiness etc when she often felt the opposite.

As Casey stalked away, Chuck let his flawed mask of impassive nonchalance fall away.

"Did you SEE that?" He asked with incredulous excitement.

Sarah tempered her response, limiting herself to a small smile.

"Yes, Chuck. Things went very well for us."

"Very well?" Chuck asked, almost belligerently. "When I make it through the day without seeing any Aweome and Ellie PDA, that's things going 'very well'. When I make it out the door without nicking myself shaving, spilling my coffee and/or stubbing my toe; that's things going 'very well'. Sarah!"

Chuck shook his head and almost hopped with excitement.

"We just saved the President!"

Sarah had to mentally force the muscles in her face to relax. Chuck was being too adorable. She had actually learned the muscle relaxation technique from a childbirth pain management program. She, of course, had studied the technique as a means of combating torture methods, not out of any anticipation that she might one day go through childbirth.

The muscles that had been screaming instants ago to wrinkle her eyes and draw up her lips were quelled. They were under her control and they remained fixed in an indulgent but small smile.

Chucks features, however, seemed to be confused. They couldn't decide if they should be composed in an expression of joy, wonder or excitement and were trying for all three at once.

"The PRESIDENT! Sarah. Of the United STATES!! Of AMERICA!!!"

Chuck sat down and now his face drained of expression…and color.

Sarah leaned forward, instantly concerned and looking for signs of some yet unnoticed injury. Shock could mask pain quite effectively. People always gave pain a bad rep, but it was useful, necessary even. It let you know to drop the burning pan before it took all the skin on your hand off. It let you know that you needed to stop, before you injured yourself beyond all hope of salvation.

"Chuck!" Sarah called to her dazed companion. "Chuck, are you okay?"

Chuck looked at her with his impossibly large eyes.

"Yeah," He said with surprise. "I just…just had a holy crap moment."

Sarah pressed her lips together, hoping the expression conveyed exasperation instead of relief.

"Hey, do you think we'll get to meet him?"

Sarah pretended she didn't understand the question.

"Who?" Chuck said and his exasperation was not feigned. "Meet who? She says. The President! The big powerful guy with the suit and the white house? The guy we just SAVED. Can we meet him?"

"I'm sorry, Chuck." Sarah kept her voice brisk. She allowed some of her regret to leak through but not all of it. "It's just not possible. The Intersect is too valuable to be exposed like that."

Chuck looked incredulous. "To the President!?! The President can't know who I am? That's just…"

Chuck seemed to be looking for a better word that stupid.

"…uh, stupid. He's the President." He finally finished.

"Yes, and he is surrounded by aides and guards and other people who would be very interested and curious as to why the President, who Fulcrum knows very well was just saved by information that could have only come from the Intersect is taking the time to shake hands with an NSA agent, a CIA agent and a Nerd Herder." Sarah forced her voice to be matter of fact, even scolding.

"You are too valuable an asset, Chuck."

Chucks eyes had started to get that far away look…of disappointment. Sarah kept her facial muscles relaxed, she stayed in control.

"But I…I just saved the President." He said softly.

"Yes, Chuck, and we have to make sure that the next time the President needs saving or a bomb needs finding or a bad guy needs catching that the Intersect…that you are safe and free to take care of it. My job is to keep you safe, Chuck. So, you can do your job. So, you can be a hero."

Chuck wasn't looking at her anymore. He was staring at the floor but a sad smile was spreading over his face. Sarah watched his emotions playing out silently, effortlessly in his expressions.

"Yeah, I guess there are worse things, right?" Chuck said. "You're right. I guess you don't have to be thanked to be a hero." He frowned. "Come to think of it, I guess most heroes don't get thanked."

He picked up his black and gold Buy More jacket and turned to the door.

"I'll see you tomorrow." He said casually as he headed for the door.

"Uh, Chuck." Sarah said and worked very hard at keeping those muscles relaxed, her voice casual. "Aren't you forgetting? Chuck and Sarah have a date tonight." That came out great. No anticipation. No excitement.

"Oh, yeah." Chuck said, and the distaste with which he viewed the prospect was apparent.

Sarah's muscles didn't budge. They didn't show an ounce of the hurt that distaste caused her.

"Since you've got the fancy car, you mind picking me up tonight?"

Sarah looked down, not trusting herself to make eye contact at this point.

"MmmHmm." She mumbled.

"I said, would you mind if you picked me up?" Chuck repeated and Sarah looked up and smiled mechanically.

"I said, 'mmmhmm' Chuck, not 'hmm?'."

Chuck's eyebrows lifted. "Oh. Um, oh well, okay then." He flushed ever so slightly showing his embarrassment and he turned quickly to the door.

"See you tonight." He called over his shoulder.

Sarah sat down, finally alone. Finally free to be herself and feel whatever she wanted to feel.

She felt…nothing. Numbness seemed to permeate her body.

Then the pain hit. The fear she had felt for Chuck during the harrowing mission; the fear that he might die not knowing how she felt about him. A single tear escaped her. She wiped at it delicately and then looked at the shining dampness on her fingers.

Sarah had chosen a life that allowed her to, no, that demanded that she hide her feelings. A life that let her keep her true self - her name, her history, her soul – a secret…safe. Chuck made her want to rip that all away, to throw it all away. It was painful to hold herself back and to keep herself hidden.

People give pain a bad rep but it was useful. It let you know when you needed to stop.


End file.
